Talking Birds and Bees
by Ria Cullen
Summary: It's the night before Edward and Bella's wedding and the Cullen family is treating both of them to their respective bachelor and bachelorette parties. Trouble ensues when they attempt to give "the talk" in preparation for the couple's honeymoon. How will Edward and Bella handle this? Originally written for the "Bella has a Backbone Challenge".


**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related, Stephenie Meyer gets all the credit. No copyright infringement intended. **

**A/N: I wrote this for SpiritHolly's "Bella has a Backbone Challenge" and to meet the requirements, I had to plant both feet in AU territory. In **_**Breaking Dawn**_**, the night before the wedding, Edward goes to a "bachelor party" with Emmett and Jasper. In my story, Bella also attends her own bachelorette party with her future sister-in-laws the same night. The story starts off just after they say their goodbyes to each other. Clearly, there are parts OOC but I hope you can appreciate my efforts to maintain canons.**

* * *

**Edward**

I leapt from Bella's window, landing on the ground with a short thud. My brothers were taking me out for an unconventional bachelor party consisting in a hunting trip up north. Emmett gave me a playful shove and Jasper patted me on the back. "This will be fun," Jasper said.

We raced through the dark forest, never breaking our straight course. The cool, crisp air was exhilarating. We covered more ground than for a typical hunting trip, running deeper into the Cascade Range. This is where we were more likely to find mountain lions. I preferred carnivores over any elk or deer, their blood richer in scent and taste. Of course, the big cats were also a greater challenge, and it made things more interesting.

_I'm really happy for you, Edward, _Jasper thought as we ran. _I can pick up on your happiness often these days. You deserve to feel this way._

"Thank you," I told him as we raced deeper into the darkness.

**Bella**

After Edward left, I reluctantly went downstairs to leave for my bachelorette party. I cringed slightly at the thought of it. Charlie was parked in front of the TV and I envied his relaxed appearance as I grabbed my keys and jacket. He wished me good luck, probably noticing my glum expression, as I went out to my truck.

Once I arrived at the Cullen's house, I took a deep breath before heading up to the door. At least the outside was not decorated, maybe I was overreacting. I made my way up the front steps to where Rose and Alice where already waiting for me grinning hugely. I wondered why Rosalie had agreed to participate. I guessed that Alice had roped her into this.

"Our bride is finally here!" Alice said, gleaming. She tugged me with a little too much strength through the threshold into the house. "Go on upstairs to my room; we have a surprise for you."

I walked up the stairs at a slower pace than usual towards Alice's bedroom. I didn't like surprises, but no one ever seemed to take in this fact. I could hear the two of them giggling behind me and I let out a long sigh. I noticed that Carlisle and Esme were conveniently absent tonight. This was not going to be good.

When I made it to the top of the stairs, Alice skipped ahead to the door of her room and stood in front of me, hand on the knob. "Close your eyes," she said.

Rose put her hands on my shoulders and led me into the middle of the room. "Okay," Alice exclaimed, open them!"

Her room was completely transformed and it didn't take long before I was in complete horror. The back wall was lined with a long rack of lingerie. I had never seen so many sheer, lacy, and strappy items in one place. Underneath the racks of clothes were at least a hundred pairs of shoes- dangerous looking ones with high heels and platforms, buckles and ribbons.

I looked over toward the wall of windows were a vanity was set up. It looked like it would be for a professional movie star, decked out with tons of makeup and brushes and styling tools I would not even begin to know how to use. On the opposite wall was a huge three-paneled mirror with a shiny round platform in front of it. Her floor was covered in a thick, blood-red carpet and the room was illuminated by multiple crystal chandeliers. It was worse than I ever could have imagined.

"We are going to have so much fun tonight!" Alice squeaked.

**Edward**

I made sure to completely saturate my thirst in preparation for the next night. I couldn't take any chances. Still, I knew that it wasn't my thirst for her blood that was the main issue anymore. I had become all but immune to her scent. The problem lay in my strength paired with her fragile body. I could hurt her, or kill her even, if I lost focus for even a second. I shuddered at the thought.

"You're supposed to be enjoying yourself, Edward," Jasper said. "You're practically radiating anxiety. What are you so worried about?"

"He's probably freaking out about how he will perform for his bride tomorrow night," Emmett joked. I allowed a quiet growl that I knew he could hear.

"Oh, come on. Don't be so sensitive," Emmett said. "If you want, I can give you some advice."

"Thank you for your concern, Emmett," I said bitterly, "but I think I will be able to figure it out. I've been to medical school, remember? I have a good understanding of how it works."

Emmett laughed. "Sex isn't something you can learn from a textbook," he explained. "It's a practical skill that can only be mastered through experience. You don't want to let Bella down on the biggest day of her life do you? Not to mention the embarrassment."

"Shut it," I growled.

Now Jasper chuckled. "Careful Emmett," he cautioned. However, his warnings were too late; I was already furious. What right did he have to question my ability to make Bella happy? I could hear what Emmett was thinking now. I glared at him, just daring him to say it out loud. He continued to grin at me. Teasing his virgin brother was hilarious to him. I had been the subject of his innuendos ever since he learned that I was planning a honeymoon with Bella.

"No need to get hostile," Emmett said. "Just let me know if you ever want to know how a _real_ man-"

Emmett didn't get to finish his vulgar sentence because I was already on top of him with my hands in a steely grip around his neck.

**Bella**

Alice took my hand and began to explain the insanity she had created. "We thought you might want to look special for Edward tomorrow night," she said.

"And we also thought you could use some help," Rosalie added with a arrogant look on her face. I suddenly felt very self conscious. Was my virginity _that_ obvious? I simply stood in silence, not knowing what to say.

"Don't worry, you don't have to do a thing," Alice assured me. "We will do all of the work."

Then the madness ensued. They dressed me in obscene outfits paired with those horrible heels. Over and over again, I was told to step up to the platform half-naked in front of the large, mocking mirrors. They discussed amongst themselves and I simply stood utterly embarrassed.

At one point, Rosalie brought me over to the vanity to do my hair. She curled and pinned my hair in a number of styles to match the outfits Alice had decided looked best. They concealed my face with layers of makeup, my lips a vibrant red and eyes shadowy black. I didn't recognize the girl staring back at me.

"What if Edward doesn't like this?" I finally asked, assuming that whether I approved of my appearance did not matter at this point.

"Bella, Edward has been waiting for this a lot longer than you have. Don't you think he deserves for you to look extra beautiful just one night?" Alice explained. "Plus, don't you want to have a little fun?"

"Alice is right, Bella," Rosalie agreed. "I suppose Edward sees something in you, but what if one day he wants more than an average human? We are only trying to help."

That did it. I had reached my limit of humiliation for one night. Didn't they understand that I was well aware that I was completely ordinary? I already knew I wasn't good enough for Edward; I didn't need it to be voiced out loud. I was furious now, and the tears began to flow. I began ripping the pins out of my hair.

"Bella what's wrong?" Alice asked.

"You know what Alice? You can take your advice and slutty clothes and shove it! I'm not going to play as your little doll that you can dress up whenever you feel like. This isn't me. I can't do this!" I fumed, now grabbing tissues and furiously trying to remove the makeup caked on my skin.

I saw Rosalie looking at me through the mirror and she was smiling. I now understood why she had wanted to come to my party- to witness exactly what was happening now. She was enjoying my inability to look remotely as beautiful as her for even one night.

"And you!" I shouted into the mirror at her. "Why can't you just get over the fact that Edward rejected you? You never even liked him anyway. There is one man who you couldn't win over with your looks- big deal! Stop hating me out of jealousy."

By this point in my rant, I had ripped off the black lace dress they had me in and put on my own clothes. I hopped on one foot toward the door, struggling to get my sneaker on.

"Bella, we're sorry. Please don't leave," Alice pleaded. Rosalie didn't look sorry at all. She just stood staring at me with a shocked expression on her face. I grabbed my jacket and ran out of the house as Alice continued to call after me.

**Edward**

I had knocked Emmett to the ground so hard, the earth shook beneath us. I bared my teeth at his face and growled loudly. He did not attempt to fight me off. Stunned by my response to his prodding, he laid still, staring back at me. He knew this was not like playful fighting that we often did. I could see my reflection in Emmett's mind; my razor-sharp teeth were gleaming with the light from the moon and my eyes were wide with rage.

Jasper came up behind me and placed his hand lightly on my shoulder. "Edward," he said. I could feel myself growing calmer, succumbing to his influences on my emotions. I loosened the grip I had around Emmett's neck and stood up, backing away from both of them. Emmett was regretting his words.

"Edward, I didn't mean to-"

"I don't want to hear it," I snapped. "I'm tired of this shit, Emmett. You have no respect for me whatsoever."

I didn't wait to hear his apology. I was already running.

**Bella**

I had never been happier to return to the silence of Charlie's house. I had the urge to slam the door as I walked into the living room but Charlie was passed out in front of the glowing TV and I didn't want to wake him. I was not in the mood for providing explanations tonight.

I trudged up the stairs to my bedroom. The entire house was dark and I tried not to stumble over my feet as I found my way in the blackness. I wondered how Edwards's night had been, as I was sure it went a lot more smoothly than mine had. Wrestling ferocious mountain lions and irritable grizzlies sounded delightful after what I had been through.

However, I had already begun regretting my outburst. Alice and Rose really were just attempting to have a fun evening and I had completely destroyed it. I knew they were not trying to hurt me… well, Rosalie I wasn't positive about, but I'd mull that over later. Regardless, I knew I owed them an apology first thing tomorrow morning. I wasn't angry at them, after all. I was angry at myself for being incapable of being the person whom Edward deserved. I was sick of being an average human, as Rosalie had called me.

I stopped by the bathroom to ready myself for a, hopefully, blissful night's sleep. I stood in front of the mirror looking at the wreck of a girl in front of me. My T-shirt and jeans were horribly wrinkled from being piled on the floor all day long and my hair was a bird's nest. The remains of the makeup ran down my face so that I looked like a raccoon. I decided to skip my grooming for tonight. This day needed to end.

I made it to my bedroom door and turned the knob, already imagining the feeling of my head on the pillow.

**Edward**

I ran at an aggressive pace through the dark forest, attempting to outrun the degradation that clung to me like glue. I couldn't believe how insensitive Emmett had been to me tonight. Didn't he realize how apprehensive I was when it came to sex? I knew I was a novice; I didn't need it thrown in my face. Never had I felt like less of a man. What was I thinking when I told Bella I wanted to wait until after our marriage for this step? I felt a huge sense of pressure weighing upon me to deliver what Bella had, for months, been practically begging me for. I was bound to be a disappointment.

Listening to Emmett today had shown me that I didn't know as much about sex as I had thought. I needed to confess my ignorance to Bella; better that she not get her hopes up. Angry at my brother and more so upset at myself, I ran faster.

When I finally reached her house, I saw Bella's truck and found it odd that she would be home when the night was still young. I listened outside below her window. Charlie was snoring with some sports game on and I could hear Bella dragging her feet slowly up the stairs. I climbed through her window to meet her.

When she entered the room, she startled at the surprise of my presence. She looked at me with an exhausted expression and clearly appeared upset. Her hair was disheveled and laid in loose waves about her shoulders. Her eyes were rimmed in darkness that looked to be smudged makeup and her lips had a red tint to them. She was beautiful.

**Bella**

I thought I would have to do without the company of Edward tonight, yet there he stood in front of my window. He had a look about him that I couldn't place at first. Then, I realized that he looked exhausted. I could not recall Edward ever appearing tired. His mouth was set in a hard line as he glared at me. His demeanor seemed to mirror mine, as if the same dark cloud was haunting both of us.

We stared at each other awkwardly for a long moment, standing several feet apart. I heard Charlie's snore downstairs through the silence. Edward looked like he wanted to say something, so I waited until he finally spoke.

"I don't know a damn thing about sex," he fumed, "so don't expect me to be any good at it." He looked down at his feet.

My cheeks burned. I had not been expecting that. He took a slow breath and when he lifted his gaze back to meet mine, I saw a softness return to his golden eyes.

I smiled at him as I found myself forgetting all of my previous anxieties. What had I been so self-conscious for? This was Edward, after all; the person with whom I could talk about anything.

"Well, I don't know the first thing about being sexy," I assured, and he smiled back at me.

**Edward**

"You look as if you could use some sleep," I said. "How about we lay down?" I gestured toward her bed.

"Wonderful idea," she said as she climbed onto the mattress and plopped her face into the pillow.

"Judging from your mood, I am going to assume that Alice and Rose ignored my warnings," I said. "They tried to keep it a secret from me but I heard them thinking about their plans for you."

Bella groaned into the pillow. I laughed and covered her with the blanket. I laid down next to her and tugged her up from the pillow to lay her head on my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair, gently untangling the knots.

"You know, I think you are plenty sexy without the raunchy attire," I said. I saw her mouth draw up to form a smile.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"That maybe we shouldn't let your family, our family, get to us so much. I think they get a kick out of our fretting."

I laughed and leaned down to kiss her hair. "I agree with that."

"And I'm thinking… that there is no way you could be bad at _that._ You're good at everything. Don't forget that your kiss alone has caused me to faint."

I grinned smugly. "You have valid points," I joked.

Bella propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. "What are _you_ thinking?" she asked.

"That I need to apologize to Emmett for nearly decapitating him tonight," I said. Her eyes grew wide and her mouth gaped open in a way that made me laugh harder. "Don't worry, he's fine."

"And I thought _I_ had a rough night," Bella said. I wrapped my arms around her and embraced her as she set her head back down on my shoulder. We laid wordlessly in the darkness for a while.

"You want to know what I'm really thinking?"

"Hmm?" she responded, now on the brink of sleep. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was becoming more even.

"How I cannot wait to marry you tomorrow."

She smiled as she slept.


End file.
